I’m just back from spending the holiday weekend in New Hampshire. It was wonderfully relaxing, and I finally got my kayak out of storage! I don’t have a good reason for why I haven’t kayaked yet this year, but now that I’m “ready for action,” I’m looking forward to doing some paddling.
Growing up in Maine with a boat-builder father meant I spent much of my childhood in boats. Not yachts, to be clear. More…ramshacklish boats. But they always got us out on the ocean. Anyone who’s spent time on the water knows that navigation matters. Without a chart, compass, or GPS, it’s surprisingly easy to lose your bearings. Add changing weather or fog, and things can become challenging in a hurry.
The ocean isn’t the only place where we need navigation tools…
The unsung navigation tool
When someone begins a coaching relationship with me, they complete a pre-coaching reflection questionnaire. The very first question asks:
What are your core values or guiding principles?
Almost without exception, clients later tell me that their coaching journey began with that very question. “I’ve already learned something about myself.” Interestingly, it’s also the question that most often causes people to pause with, “I honestly don’t know.”
Why is that? Most of us don’t spend much time considering the principles that, each and every day, are shaping our choices. We know what we enjoy. We know what frustrates us. But we’ve rarely stopped to ask ourselves, What truly matters to me? And just as importantly…Why? A recent coaching conversation illustrates this beautifully.
One client skipped the values question altogether, and told me, “I honestly don’t know what my values are. I’ve never thought about it.” As we talked, he shared that he and his wife lived within an hour of their three adult children, yet they only gathered once or twice a year.
“I really wish we were together more often.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because we’re family.”
“And what do you believe gathering together more often would do for your family?”
As we continued exploring, his answers gradually became less about holidays and more about something much deeper. “I’d like us to be closer. I’d like more laughter. More connection. I grew up as an only child with parents who traveled constantly. I think family presence has become really important to me.”
I smiled. “I’m wondering if you’ve just uncovered one of your values.”
He paused for a moment. “I never thought of family closeness as a value.” That realization became our compass for the rest of the conversation. It also led to another important insight. Just because he deeply values close family relationships doesn’t mean his twenty-one-year-old daughter shares that same priority right now. We don’t get to assign our values to other people. They have their own values.
If life is a nightclub
When a person gets clear on their values, decision-making becomes easier. Our values help us get clear on how we want to spend our time and who we want to spend that time with. Becoming crystal clear about our values can also help us steer clear on what’s not for us.
A few years ago, a young friend graduated with a degree in physics and found herself choosing between two kick-ass career opportunities.
One was with SpaceX in California—where she was just completing an internship—complete with generous stock options and the possibility of retiring by forty. The tradeoff? An intense culture and eighty-to-one-hundred-hour workweeks. The second opportunity was with a prestigious university research lab in Boston. Similar pay, fascinating work, a healthier pace. Friends and family nearby.
She chose Boston. Not because one opportunity was objectively better. Instead, because one aligned more closely with what mattered most to her. Her values guided her decision.
If life is a nightclub, make your values the bouncer.
Not every opportunity deserves entry. Not every invitation belongs. Not every “yes” supports the life you’re wanting to create.
Your compass
The more I coach and work with leadership teams, the more convinced I become that our values function like an internal compass. They quietly influence how we make decisions, build relationships, establish boundaries, and choose where to invest our time and energy. They become the “why” behind our choices.
Perhaps just as importantly, our values help us recognize when we’ve drifted. When we’re living at odds with our values, stress and inner conflict often begin to grow—not necessarily because life has become harder, but because we’re continually moving against our own internal current.
When we’re living in alignment with what matters most to us, life often feels more coherent. More meaningful. More peaceful.
That realization has changed the way I think about stress. Sometimes the better question isn’t:
“How do I reduce my stress?”
Sometimes, instead, it’s:
“Where have I drifted from what matters most, to me?”
This is often a more interesting, and more fruitful, line of inquiry.
If you’re someone who isn’t quite sure what your core values are, you’re certainly not alone. Maybe you reading this love note is simply an invitation to become a little more curious.
Because once we discover our compass…it’s remarkable how much easier navigation becomes.
To your capacity & alignment,
Laurie
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