This past weekend, I had the delight of sharing good food and interesting conversation with four friends under an ancient oak tree. Roots below our feet and high canopy stretching dozens of feet out from the trunk located in one corner of the yard, the oak provides a natural gathering place that feels held by nature. It was a hot summer evening, but we were cool under the tree. (literally and figuratively…haha)
And then some clouds hurried in and activated their sprinkler systems. We continued our delightful gathering with our shade tree now functioning as an umbrella tree. Not a drop fell on me. “This is pure delight,” I thought. I LOVE being outside in nature, in the rain. I love the sound and the smell of it. Add Food Sass® and delightful humans?…heaven on earth.
I commented to the friend who we were visiting, “What an amazing thing to have that huge tree as part of your backyard. It’s stunning *and* functional.” She agreed, and then shared the flip side of the tree’s presence: Each autumn finds hundreds and hundreds of acorns covering the entirety of her small, fenced-in yard.
“And there it is!” I thought.
Just the fun part, please
That tree is a simple and perfect example of a pondering I’ve been sitting with. With the vast majority of things, there’s a “flip side.” Situations, experiences, books, vacations, jobs, responsibilities, people…and a big ole oak tree…contain opposition, in our minds. This is depicted in ancient Chinese philosophy by yin-yang, which is symbolized by this familiar graphic:
The principle of yin-yang is that all things exist in inseparable opposition. The idea is that all aspects and phenomena in life contain interconnected forces that are both opposite and complementary. Yin-yang is considered a process of harmonization that supports a continuing dynamic balance to all of existence (including the mind). You may notice that each side of the circle above has—at its core—an element of the other. The black side contains a whiteness in its core and the white side contains a blackness in its core.
This yin-yang concept is INTRINSIC to all that is, including our mundane daily lives. But humans typically only want the one part. “Just the fun part please!” Note that I’m not referring to my oak tree friend here, because she’s quite clear that she loves her oak tree. She accepts the acorns as part and parcel of the welcome presence of the oak tree. But for most of us, most of the time, we’re disgruntled when we uncover the “flip side.”
Yet most anything that seems to only be appealing will eventually show its balancing side. The question is, how will we respond to uncovering the inherent opposition? Carl Jung referred to this as living in the “tension of opposites.” The truth is our life experience is rife with opposing forces and contradictions. And we find contradictions unsettling.
Get happier
Yet learning to live with the tension of opposites will drastically improve our level of happiness. Why? Because our happiness in any given moment is a direct reflection of how we’re using our mind. Everything in the present moment just IS—in a factual, non-biased way—and I ultimately choose how it’s going to affect me. I choose with my thoughts, my words, my intentions, my actions and my feelings.
(Important sidebar)
Feelings and emotions are words that are often used interchangeably, which causes confusion.
We feel emotions in direct response to a stimulus like circumstances, events, words, people, etc. It’s a wave that’s felt in the body, often in the gut (which is where our other brain is…our enteric nervous system), or via sweating or increased heart rate. Emotions are unconsciously generated and brief (like, seconds).
On the other hand, feelings are how we interpret those emotions, via our mind. The emotion is filtered through a web of our thoughts, beliefs, personality, memories, past experiences, and our internal storylines. While feelings can have unconscious influences via that filtering, we ultimately consciously choose what we hang on to. What we continue to generate and focus on.
This is why I say, “no one can hurt your feelings.” Events unfold, people just do and say stuff, and then we generate feelings about it. And, often, hang on to them like it’s our JOB.
(end of sidebar)
So, if I’m living in a contradictory world—in relation to which I experience emotions and generate thoughts, feelings and actions—then it serves me quite well to engage with the tension of opposites as a practice.
Like most worthwhile things, this is often not an easy practice. And like most practices, it’s something that we must continually do in order to strengthen the muscle. But the rewards are considerable.
Living with the tension of opposites
How does one go about creating a practice of living with the tension of opposites?
Great news! This practice contains similar elements to most any mind practice because they’re all about training the mind. As I wrote in Wild World, Joyful Heart, “the mind is the bridge or the barrier to all that we desire.” I also explore three amigos (awareness, curiosity and mindfulness) that support all we do in life; the tenets of mindful relating (a whole chapter!); and ten healing practices for the mind. One of those ten practices is meditation.
Meditation is a core practice to all other practices because it helps us quiet the mind. A quiet mind is an infinitely more receptive, open and judicious mind. Add to meditation the intentional cultivation of curiosity and courage, and you’re on the road to living with the tension of opposites!
Curiosity and courage are not inherently about “being nice.” Although I’m a huge fan of being kind, being nice often involves repressing things, placating others or as a social strategy to gain favor. Sometimes we be nice to avoid confrontation or scrutiny, or to cover up our own internal tension of opposites! Both curiosity and courage are more about authenticity, humility and a willingness to be uncomfortable…
Curiosity involves being more interested in what you don’t know than what you do know. Curiosity can mean asking difficult questions and sitting with deeply uncomfortable feelings. Curiosity asks that we care more about the pursuit of Truth than about defending our own point of view.
Courage is when we lean in, without knowing the outcome. To wholeheartedly listen when we don’t agree. To listen to understand, instead of to rebut. Courage is fully showing up in life and relationships. Cultivating courage can involve saying unpopular things, questioning our own motives, and choosing what’s hard and right over what’s easy.
Our Wild World needs YOU
“We evolve for ourselves, and we evolve on behalf of life itself. The full majesty of our empowered well-being is the answer to all our prayers.” Individually and collectively.
This thought begins the last chapter of Wild World, Joyful Heart. The destructive narratives that fester across the globe are human-created. Our desire to paint other complex human beings with only one color is damaging for us all. Our inability to live with the tension of opposites is mucking us up individually and collectively. A better world starts in each one of our own minds.
A great place to start, especially this year in the US of A, is to practice living with the tension of opposites. And seeing that both “sides” are complementary parts to a healthy whole.
To your, and all of our, empowered well-being,
Laurie
It’s with gratitude I re read your wonderful blog laurie Warren; beautifully invoking our reflections on inner and outer ( good ex right?) worlds and how they are all fed by the offerings of the path emerging as we hold the tension of “opposites”! Precious, and purposeful at so many levels… essential I know for my own wellbeing! Grateful
T