Happy Spring! Everything is waking up, growing and soaking in the sunlight.
The light this time of year feels soft, fresh and full of promise. It’s interesting to me that the Earth’s tilt and relationship to the sun changes how we experience it’s light — the strength of the rays, the quality of the light and the length of day.
Which got me thinking about the significance of relationship quality.
Relating-schmating
Say the word “relationship” and our American cultural knee-jerk is to assume we’re talking about romantic relationship. We’re steeped in the Hollywood version of it — grand gestures, drama, and storylines.
When it becomes clear that we’re talking about relationship in all its forms, people often quietly file it under soft skills, personal growth, or something “touchy-feely.”
Yet humans are social beings in the same way that wolves, orcas and ants are social beings. We don’t do well in isolation. We function in overlapping groups that are informed and held together by communication, cooperation and sharing. In other words, relationships.
Relationship is not a side topic. Our abilities to relate effectively are a foundational aspect of our daily lives — shaping our experience more than almost anything else.
The relational web
Outside of my families (family of origin, and family of procreation), I relate to many people.
My neighbors, my friends, the early morning YMCA crowd, my grad school peers, Audubon buddies, my chiropractor’s office staff, postal workers (Carl!), the Saturday crew at the transfer station, new colleagues from coaching school, the servers at my favorite restaurant (Brie!), the staff at my mother’s memory care home (LeDonnia!), the Whole Foods Market produce guys I’ve known for 25 years (Steve!), my car repair shop team (also 25 years), and my small-town library staff.
The list goes on — and my point is this: we are relational beings.
I actually feel a bit bummed when I get to the YMCA and Paul—the gent who oversees the weight and cardio room from 5-9am — isn’t there.
I *might* have a real conversation with Paul once a month. Otherwise, it’s a nod while I’m focused on working my body and then getting to my first meeting on time.
But we have a relationship.
I could pick his voice out of a crowd. I know his sense of humor. I know he adores his wife and travel. He knows I have a high bar for equipment functionality (haha), and that I love my family and dancing.
Paul at the YMCA is part of my relational web. Not in the same way that, say, my adult kids are. Yet the fact that we relate in almost every area of our life is foundational to this conversation.
Mindful relating
The longest chapter in Wild World, Joyful Heart is Tend Your Mind.
The second-longest chapter is Mindful Relating.
Relate Mindfully and Tend the Mind are both mastery areas of The Map.
Why?
If a sentient alien life form arrived here on earth and spent three minutes scanning headlines, it might conclude:
“Relating appears to be of paramount importance here…and humans seem remarkably unskilled at it.”
An interesting — and tragic — juxtaposition.
Relating is an essential skill. Yet it is nowhere to be found in K-12 curriculum. It’s hit-or-miss whether it’s intentionally cultivated in the family setting. Yet our success, contentment and well-being depend on it throughout our lives.
I recently read the book “Compassionate Conversations,” after reading another of these authors’ books called “Waking Up and Growing Up.” Both excellent books and worth a read. Learning and embodying the skillset for compassionate conversations is a form of human evolution. A deeply needed one, at that. Tick tock.
Thoughts to ponder
The way we relate — to others and to ourselves — is one of the primary conditions shaping our capacity.
When our inner and outer relationships are strained, our capacity narrows. When they are grounded, aware, and intentional, our capacity expands. How we think and act when our capacity narrows is wildly different than how we think and act when our capacity expands.
Wildly.
Different.
As such, I feel moved to share some of my favorite quotes from Compassionate Conversations, with the hope that they might provide insights, and food for thought, to support your relationships. Here are a few lines (in italics and quotes) that stood out to me:
“It’s about showing up responsibly, with humility, and expanding how we think, feel and—most importantly—act in the world.” How we act is so much more telling, and influential, than what we say.
“Most differences are not problematic in and of themselves. But how we value or devalue those differences matters a lot.” We can disagree with someone while still valuing our differences. It would be a boring and stagnant world indeed if we were all the same.
“If we are interested in growth and learning, we must find just the right combination of these two qualities: support and challenge.” This applies to parenting, organizations, being a soccer coach, friendship, you name it.
“Conflict is an indication that either side of an argument is pretending to be the whole story.” Mic drop.
Our “extreme self-interest…narrows our attention, constricts our open awareness, and disconnects us from the larger web of relationships.” Even asking ourselves a simple question, like “I wonder why they feel so strongly about this, when I feel so strongly about its opposite? What might I be missing?”
Relational health asks for emotional maturity. “Cultivating emotional maturity takes intention and sustained effort. It is extremely helpful to have a therapist, coach, or guide when learning to navigate our own interiors.” Indeed, helping people learn to navigate their own interiors — and relationships — has been a foundational part of my coaching practice for the last 15+ years.
Our planet earth family desperately needs “self-realized people who are capable of regulating their nervous systems and managing their fears, can think and clearly and act compassionately even under enormous pressure….Every time we practice with intention we shift from being passive players to active participants in our own evolution. You could say this is our evolutionary opportunity.” Indeed.
So as you move through your days — in big conversations and small ones — I invite you to consider this:
How are you relating?
Not just what you’re saying,
but how you’re showing up.
And where might a little more awareness, curiosity, or compassion
shift the experience — for you, and for the people around you?
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and invite you to join the conversation below.
To your capacity & alignment,
Laurie
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