Sometimes (often?!), our habitual and/or conditioned way of looking at something doesn’t serve us. This is true in so many areas, including the feeling of being offended.
Last week, I had a coaching session with a client who was *convinced* that her sister-in-law was trying to “weaken her (the client’s) connection with her adult kids.” I do have my client’s permission to cite this interchange, but will not divulge the details or her personal journey. What I can share is this:
What we uncovered was that her sister-in-law was a fun and loving person who genuinely adored my client’s kids. We spent some time reframing, particularly around the idea that it’s actually great to have extended family that truly love and appreciate her kids. That my client’s kids’ love isn’t something that gets used up, like a cup of quinoa. And, most especially, that her insecurity about the affection that her kids show to her husband’s sister is much more about my CLIENT than the sister-in-law.
Often, when we feel offended by other people, it’s because their mere existence—or the way they do something in the living of their existence—brings up our own “stuff.” Our insecurities, our regrets, our shame, our inferiority complex, our feelings of not-enough, and on. The other person is just being themselves, or saying some very normal thing, and we…we offend ourselves. Huh?
The truth is, other people can’t offend us, any more than other people can hurt our feelings. We get offended, and we hurt our own feelings.
“Huh?!?”
I doubt you—or any of us—do it intentionally; any more than my lovely client did.
If someone said to me, “Laurie, you have the ugliest gardens ever,” I wouldn’t be offended. I love my gardens and think they’re great, and no one can “make” me feel otherwise.
However, if I put no time or thought into my yard, but deep down wanted it to be lovely, then I might feel offended. They didn’t offend me. They instead said something that hits a sore spot in me. I FEEL offended because I don’t like my yard either.
Until we face ourselves—truly face ourselves—we’ll use other people’s words and actions to mirror back our own pain to ourselves. It’s like our heart-mind is holding up a mirror in hopes that we’ll use it to embark on a healing process that will help us shed all that needless stress and suffering. But most often, we don’t. We blame others for our own feelings of low worth, inadequacy and/or shame.
How does one look in that mirror and do the work?
Well it isn’t easy, that’s for sure. It’s one of those short-term-pain equals long-term-gain dealios. This can involve journaling, psychotherapy, coaching, meditation and all kinds of things that could fill a book. Yet. A good way to start is to question your thoughts.
For starters:
- Do I KNOW that it’s true that my sister-in-law is committing family subterfuge?
- Did my sister-in-law really doing anything wrong?
- Is she doing this TO me, or is she just doing it?
- What, IN ME, is this poking at? What’s happening on MY side of the street?
- What is the quality of MY relationship with my kids?
This process often starts out by feeling rather painful. Maybe we begin to realize that our days of blaming our unhappiness on others may be ending. Maybe we uncover an ugly, sticky blob of emotions that we’ve been frantically stuffing down for years or decades. While this kind of work isn’t all that fun— especially in the beginning as our house of cards (blaming others) starts to tumble—it’s LIFE CHANGING. It’s liberating, stress-relieving, and frees up mental-emotional energy. It opens us up to a wider place of giving love and receiving love.
Like all things worthwhile, this can take time. It’s a PRACTICE where we start by simply noticing. Each time we can catch ourselves, no matter how small or infrequent, we start to shift the paradigm that isn’t serving us. We reduce our suffering and turn the volume down on our stress levels. Game ON.
To your Empowered Well-Being,
Laurie
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